Secret Still

Sorry this didn’t go up yesterday, connectivity issues and general laziness prevented me from posting. But, hear ye, hear ye, the time for announcing the official winner of Beardoff 2009 is nigh! And with 9 votes to 6 the winner is that beautiful bastard pictured above. Me!

I was a little disappointed in the internet, as I usually am, due to the large number of page views, and paltry number of votes. Not to belittle anyone that did vote; you guys are awesome and I will try to find prizes to give you all, maybe some little 4×4 paintings of beards or something. You deserve it for taking the tiny amount of time out of your day to help emasculate a complete stranger.

Speaking of which, Matt, if you can stop menstruating and sobbing into your lace doilies for long enough to drive up here, I’d like a nice filet, medium-rare. The cow blood tastes like victory — delicious, bearded victory.

Oddly enough, Ert voted too late (thanks, Ert), but she was still entered into the randumb prize drawing and won. So congratulations to Ert, you’ll get your prizes sometime soon. I guess if everyone is getting a little beard painting, I need to come up with something better for her than just a drawing out of my sketchbook. Let me think on it, Ert, and I’ll get back to you. Or suggest something. There really is no structure to this thing.

I like that I can spell Hannukah any way that I want to and it’s still right.

Speaking of the holidays, I was talking with C-money yesterday about how I was very angry with Christmas this year. How it feels like everyone everywhere is celebrating Christmas and since I’m not I’m doing something wrong. He didn’t understand what I was trying to say and it’s because I was trying to convey the wrong thing. I don’t feel like I’m wrong for not be a Christian celebrating Christmas, I feel invalid. I feel like I don’t matter at all to this country because I’m not Christian. What do I mean though? Sad as it is to say it mostly boils down to the media and marketing. I feel invalid because no one is trying to sell me anything with clever shows and ad tie-ins, or Hannukah special sales, or anything like that. In the Holiday parade here in Athens every float, even the city government floats, had some mention of Jesus as the light of the world etc. Even solid waste management had banners about Christ the Lord. I heard float-riders shout Merry Christmas about a hundred times, and there were even some Happy Kwanzas in there. No one at all said anything about Hannukah. That was the first point where it started to get under my skin a little. And I realize that I live in The South, which isn’t widely known for it’s large population of jews, but that just magnifies the problem rather than allaying any of my feelings. I feel invalid in the society in which I live because I’m not a Christian. And what’s worse is that the media perpetuates this by only selling to Christians, which makes it seem like there are pretty much only Christians in the country. Our leaders are shaped by the media as much as we are, and so you have a media-drenched society that is being given the false idea that “we’re all just a bunch of happy Christians here”, causing the other religions to be ignored out of hand. I’m sorry we’re not a good enough market, America, and I’m sorry that in some twisted way that gets to me, but mostly I think what I am really feeling is disgusted and tired of everything that we have become. God Bless America, my home sweet home.

I’ve got a tone of links to shove down your gullets today, and hopefully some of them will help you get through the holidays with a little less of a vacant stare. We’ll be changing format in ‘07. Nothing huge, but I just wanted to warn you in case you’re autistic and that sort of thing makes you start screaming uncontrollably and butting your head against the wall. Insulted…..Autistic….People. Check. Let’s burn this motherfucker down.

You know what I was saying about Christianity? Well, I would convert if all this was real.

When you get bored and your family won’t leave you alone about what you’re doing with your life and how it’s buying you a corner lot in hell, why not call on one of many Gods. Many.

Possibly the most kickass kitchen I have ever witnessed. And yes I realize how gay that sounds. Found via CubeMe which is possibly even more kickass. I have to wait and see what the test results tell me.

Why did no one tell me about this?! Samuel L. Jackson is the new Christopher Walken. Christopher Walken is the new black.

I don’t know if you know this or not, but Adam Cruickshank knows how to design some shit.

New from Adobe: Kuler. It sounds rad, and I would love to tell you more about it, but my computer doesn’t have the latest flash player and I don’t have admin access. Eat a dick, tech support.

Killer designer, Psyop, has skills to make your mouth water.

Oh, Wow. I mean…wow.

And almost as cool, Hello, World!. See how it’s done here.

I leave you with a special internet gift. I present to you Kiana in all her glory. It’s great what you come across on the interwebs some days.

I’m thinking about hooking up a Flickr account. Should I do it. I like their lightbox web apps. It would make it a lot easier to put pictures up for your visual enjoyment. We’ll see once things start back up.

I leave tomorrow for the long journey to Lousiana where I will have no internet access. But don’t worry I’ll be keeping a notebook so you won’t have to miss a minute of the delightfully off-color and wholly racist statements my family will make. Plus, new on this visit: All My Tattoos! It’s gonna be a great show.

What do the Raelians celebrate at this time of year? Well Happy Whateverthatis, America, from me and the Raelians.